40 Best The Red Green Show Quotes

If you love this Canadian comedy show from the 90s, you are certainly a fan of their quotes. If that is the case, this article is just right for you. In it, we are bringing you the best The Red Green Show quotes you just need to remember.

Most of the quotes on our list are from the man itself, Red Green, but we do have a few quotes from other legendary characters from the show. So, check them out below and choose your favorite quote.

“(opening line of each Repair Shop segment) If it ain’t broke, you’re not trying.” – Red Green

“(closing line of each Mid-Life Musings segment) Remember, I’m pulling for you. We’re all in this together.” – Red Green

“You’re tempted to destroy their world with men and equipment, to dry up the swamp and kill the animals.” – Red Green

“Spare the duct tape, spoil the job.” – Red Green

“The only thing Junior Singleton reads cover to cover is a matchbook.” – Red Green

“If a person could find a better way to kill bugs, they would not only get rich, they’d probably get a lot more dates.” – Red Green

“Apparently the water in Possum Lake has just been declared okay for human consumption.” – Red Green

“Bow your heads for the men’s prayer. (group recites)” – Red Green

“Okay, you got new neighbors moving in down the street. They look okay from a distance.” – Red Green

“(trying to unscrew a jar of nitroglycerin) It would work better if that finger wasn’t missing.” – Red Green

“Vehicles don’t belong in the Middle Ages anyway. Except maybe for Buster’s Edsel.” – Red Green

“(looking at the glass of wine) Yeah, the weather channel said it’s supposed to clear up later.” – Red Green

“Guys don’t like to ask anybody for help. Women think it’s because it makes us look weak, but that’s not it.” – Red Green

“(preparing to go forward with a handyman project) Sound ingenious? Sound incredible? Sound impossible? Who cares? I’m not listening.” – Red Green

“All it takes is a little imagination, some mechanical ability, and neighbors who mind their own business.” – Red Green

“You don’t want to argue with anyone larger than your van.” – Red Green

“Keep your stick on the ice.” – Red Green

“Every mall has three things the same: clothes, stores, and benches for the husbands to sit on.” – Red Green

“It is spring. Tadpoles swim in a stagnant pond, surrounded by floating lilies and water snakes.” – Red Green

“When the going gets tough, switch to power tools.” – Red Green

“We hold these two pieces together using the handyman’s secret weapon, duct tape.” – Red Green

“(singing) When life gets you down and you can’t wait to die / when the slightest contusion puts tears in your eyes / Here’s what I do when everything goes wrong / I go on my own television show and sing a song / Oh well! At least I’m not a mole / Oh well!” – Red Green

“Men need to replace the phrase ‘Hey, watch this’, with ‘Where are my glasses?’ and ‘Where are my other glasses?’ and ‘I’m going to take a nap.” – Red Green

“Some men look at a problem like this and try to find a solution.” – Red Green

“You know, it looks a little cloudy.” – Red Green

“Vegetarian’ is an old Indian word meaning ‘I don’t hunt so good.” – Reg Hunter

“You ever see one of these? It’s called a GPS, which stands for – well, who cares?” – Red Green

“Men are like gas, they take up the space available.” – Red Green

“If women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.” – Red Green

“If life gives you lemons, throw ’em into a quart of vodka.” – Red Green

“I prefer to figure out whose fault it is and let them take care of it.” – Red Green

“(poem) It is winter. When I was young, we never had fights in hockey. But we also never had helmets or protective padding or shields on our skate blades or smooth ice. We used broken, splintered sticks and a brick for a puck and big, hard rocks for the posts. But we didn’t have fights. We didn’t *need* fight.” – Red Green

“(Reciting the “Men’s Prayer”) I’m a man, but I can change, If I have to, I guess.” – Red Green

“Quando omni flunkus moritati” (pseudo-Latin for “When all else fails, play dead”) – Red Green

“Remember, you may have to grow old, but you don’t have to mature.” – Red Green

“Stage 1: You’re a kid. All you have to park is your butt. Stage 2: You’re a teenager and are out parking with a girl who has a good chance of being your future wife. Stage 3: You’re married with kids and are now parking at a McDonald’s with a play area. Stage 4: The kids have grown and are working, coincidentally, at McDonald’s. Meanwhile, you’ve bought yourself a sportscar and are caught parking with a girl who has no chance of being your future wife. Stage 5: Now you’re parking in the garage, where you’re also living. Stage 6: You’re old; no license, no car, no parking spot. Stage 7: You’re parked. Permanently. You have your own parking spot. It even has your name over it.” – Red Green

Well, I’m not gonna be calling the U.S. Air Force, Harold. What do I say? We’ve got a missile? They take that as a threat, we’re in real trouble. – Red Green
Well, then, contact the Canadian Air Force. – Harold Green
Harold, it’s after six; he’s gone home. – Red Green

“If the women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.” – Red Green

“I’m a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.” – All

“Your wife left you? Blow up the stove. Otherwise you’ll start cooking for yourself and that’s dangerous.” – Edgar Montrose

“Welcome to “Harold’s Handy Crafts” where crafty hands make handy crafts!” – Harold Green